Family: Heartache

Family: Heartache

Heartache

Wow I can't believe my life right now. I have been on my own for about 3 years and I can't seem to escape heartache. My family my friends are wonderful but I still feel alone. I feel like I give and give and though I'm not doing it to get anything in return I somehow feel like I'm not noticed. If I do something for myself it is viewed as if I'm drifting away from someone. I get ignored or I just feel like an afterthought. It hurts like crazy.

Man I love my best friend but I don't think I'm capable of keeping one. I feel like I smothered my friend Jasmine and therefore we are not close at all. I would bring her from here to there so that she knew no matter what I had her back. I tried to make her feel important. But of course in the end I wasn't what her life needed or wanted. OK I got over that. My other best friend I have no idea what I did to her but all of a sudden she wasn't talking to me. I had no idea why and then when I tried to ask her it turned into an argument.

Now I have been friends with my best friend since high school. She has been my best friend for that long but I haven't been hers. That didn't bother me because I know she has been friends with her best friend since there were little. For a couple of years we were not even on speaking terms and I would pray every night to reconcile that friendship. By the grace of the almighty he did. I have tried to be there for her the best way I know how. It seems we reconciled right when she was about to get really sick and start a new chapter in her life. It was a time when I had to be string for the both of us. I can;t help getting sad knowing that I didn't get to share in her life when she was happy. I feel like I'm a burden. I can't seem to motivate her. I make her upset and she tells me I'm not supportive and I don't want to spend time with her. I feel like as soon as she gets her old life back she's going to drop me like a hot potato. I'm not fun I'm boring and I don't fit in with her husband's friends. when I'm around them I feel so inadequate. I wish I could be just loved for me and not worry about if people are going to be my friend if I say or do this. See that's how I deal with my friends I'm their friend despite themselves. I try to understand before I get mad at them. I always give them the benefit of doubt because as bad as I want it I want them to due that to me.

I really think I'm misunderstood. I can be called on to cry to listen to go places with to complain to but who's there when I need that. ALL of my friends have always held the same position when it can=me to this. They all take on this heartless role. They are very cold. It's like they say what are you complaining about. I get answers like you know what to do so just do it. I have NEVER been able to just cry on their shoulders. When something is bothering me I feel scared to say anything.

When I'm sick I remember my friend bringing me something and that was the greatest feeling I had felt because I knew she cared but then I told her that I am anemic and The doctor told me to take iron. I told her I don't like taking pills because I thought I could get my iron from food. She would call me every morning to see if I had taken my iron and of course I hadn't cause I didn't want to take pills. She got mad and told me that she wasn't going to tell me anything else anymore and I had no reason to complain if I wasn't going to listen to the doctor. On the same note her doctor told her she needed to take iron and she was like I'm not going to put that in my body. So I asked her when I was saying that you got mad at me so you would ask me to do something you wouldn't even do. And she was like that was her body not mine. WOW! I would never do that to another person. I feel like she's better than me and if I don't listen to her screw me. I didn't have the heart to tell her I got hurt at the gym because I was trying to keep up with her. She's thinner than me and she can just go and go sometimes. Well I hurt my knee because I over did it at on the elliptical. I have been so afraid to let her down because one day I told her I wasn't going because my family wanted to go to universal to watch a movie she didn't want to see she got mad and put on her facebook that she wasn't going to say anything anymore. I was like man I can never do anything right. I knew it was about me but I didn't let her know because I didn't want her to feel like I was mad or anything. I wrote something positive.

I will always let my friends speak their mind because I know I'm not going anywhere but I just can't. I know their going to leave. I just know it.

-End of sob story-

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